Thursday, January 8, 2009

What I wanted to do when I graduated high school.

Jr High was a turning point for me. Mom decided she didn't need to put up with my step-dad. I decided I didn't want to be like him. Up till this point he was the only male role model I had. I would answer any threat with a fist to that threat's face. Didn't matter if it was a verbal threat or not. Or in protection of a female. (read my earlier post) Using my fists was a way to release a lot of what was pent up inside me. I would "see red" when this happened. If it's never happened to you it's hard to explain. You don't actually get a rose colored tint to your vision, but it seems that way. The instant pent up anger, the roaring in your ears, and the desire to hurt someone.

The "turning point" was three fold. First was that the Step-dad was gone. The second was a kid named Jeremy. We were playing football during recess. He pushed me. I punched, and elbowed his left eye on the front swing and hammered the side of his head on the back swing. This resulted in two lacerations. One across his eyebrow and the other across his cheekbone encircling his eye and almost knocking him out. I was suspended for a week and when I came back the third part happened. Jeremy was out for blood. He wanted to fight. He wanted revenge. His friends had talked him up the whole week I was gone. So he challenged me. I told him after school.

The final bell rang. I put all I had in my locker and started walking to the "spot". It was out of sight of the school in a little public playground that never had any little kids due to the road being so close. The crowd had already gathered. Jeremy was there with his friends psyching him up.
I dropped my coat on the outskirts of the crowd. (never fight with lose clothing on. It's too easy for your opponent to use them as handholds) The "Red Mist" was already covering my eyes. I wanted to hurt this kid.... Someone I talked to almost daily. Someone who I considered a friend before this. I didn't care. I said something like "come on" or "let's go" and started in on him. I could immediatly see the fear in his face. He knew it was coming. He knew I was going to hurt him.
The "mist" lifted a little. I bit my lower lip trying control my anger. Something I had never done before outside of my home and dealing with relatives.
I didn't want to kill this guy anymore. I'd seen that look in my mothers face before. Usually around 2am. and we just heard the Step-dads car door slam.
Jeremy swung and I blocked. I swung but my hart wasn't in it anymore. Everyone around us was screaming and yelling for blood.
The "mist" cleared a little more. Jeremy swung again. I blocked again but this time instead of just taking the brunt I used his swing and slapped his punch, using his momentum to spin him around. I kicked the back of one of his knees dropping Jeremy to the ground and applied a loose sleeper hold. One knee on the ground the other pressing against his back. Not choking him out. Just to control him. The Crowd went berserk. There were screams of "Rip his head off.!" I just felt disgusted. The "red mist" was gone. Jeremy wasn't trying to get away. He wasn't fighting to get loose. I asked "we done here". He nodded. The screams of "rip his head off" got louder. They came to see blood and the "fight" had only lasted 10 seconds.
I let go and started walking away. I could here grumblings of the crowd. Words like "pussies" and whatever other scorn filled remarks crowds make at times like that. Normally I would have turned and been ready to go at it again with someone else. Now I just didn't care. The physical fight with Jeremy had taken just moments but the internal fight I had with myself was finally over.

I had been in so many fight before this that I was lucky I hadn't been expelled. That was it. The point in my life where I took control of my pent up emotions. Oh don't get me wrong. I still to this day hold most of them inside. I just find other ways to get rid of them. Anger on the other hand I let wash over me. I just have no reason to hold on to it anymore.

I made a vow to myself that day. No more fights. Didn't matter if someone said something or pushed me. There were only a few things that would set the "red mist" boiling out. Someone spiting in my face and seeing some guy physically harming a female or child. The spit I would wipe off, count to 10 and walk away. Luckily I didn't see much of the later after that.

I moved on to high school. Kept emotionally to myself most the time. Made new friends. Started using words to counter others disparaging remarks. Stayed away from relationships. It was hard to do but easy to accomplish. I wore what ever I wanted to, let my hair do what it wanted to. Stayed away from trying to look "in" I didn't want to be the "alpha" anymore. I couldn't, if I wanted to keep my emotions at bay.

I had always been a reader. I learned the abc's before kindergarten by watching Sesame street. Was reading Dr Seuss books by the end of it. By third grade I had read all the Narnia books, A Wrinkle in Time and anything else the school library had by Madeleine L'Engle. After third grade I moved onto The Hardy Boys then Nancy Drew. In Junior high I kinda of got away from reading due to all the emotional crap in my head. Once I hit high school I more than made up for it. I devoured Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, got into Piers Anthony's Xanth, Incarnations, Space Tyrant, Phase series, along with anything else by him. I started to hit up book stores because the school library couldn't handle my appetite. Had three tiers of cinder blocks and pine board shelves that I quickly filled with used book store treasures. Clark and Brooks. Nevin, Rosenberg, and Zelazny.

My sophomore year I discovered D&D. A small group of us played. Some taking turns DM'ing torturing our mates with rampaging hoards of naked horny goblins who just wanted to bugger our hero's noses. This led to other books. My interests were growing. I gobbled down Mercedes Lackey & Larry Dixon's Serrated Edge Novels. Then Delved further into Lackeys library. Found Leo Frankowski's Adventures of Conrad Stargard series which I swear use to be called Cross-time Engineer series. I still grab anything and everything new by all these authors.

NOTE: Leo Frankowski passed away on Christmas day 2008. He was 65 years old. He was also know for the "A Boy and his Tank" series. Details Here

I wanted to be a writer when I got out of high school or to do something in computer gaming. Either writing, coding, or graphics. The only problem was money.



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